


What I Did For Love

by trixwitch



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Circus, Angst, Bisexual Female Character, Circus, F/F, Feelings, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-04-30
Packaged: 2019-12-30 13:58:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18316640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trixwitch/pseuds/trixwitch
Summary: AU set in a traveling circus in the 1930s. Regina Mills, trick rider in Mr. Gold's circus is at the top of her game, but when legendary sharp-shooter Emma Swan shows up fresh off the rodeo circuit, Regina immediately feels the pull to compete with her. Regina has befriended a little boy, Henry, whose father Neal just joined the circus. What she doesn't know is that Henry is Emma's son, but she left when Henry was just 9 months old to pursue her career, and Henry doesn't know who she is.Sparks fly when the two women find themselves in close quarters, with Henry somehow ending up in the middle. Are the sparks about more than competition, though?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello and welcome to the circus! I'm aiming for weekly updates on Mondays.

Regina Mills glanced behind her as she set her things down on the sawdust floor. She was looking for the boy, Henry, who had been watching her workouts every day for the past two weeks, but had yet to come and actually talk to her. He belonged to the new juggler who’d joined the circus recently, whose name she hadn’t heard yet. As she settled into her first stretch, she heard a rustling behind her, and sure enough, Henry’s dark eyes peered out at her from behind one of the tent poles. She threw him a wide smile, hoping today would be the day he finally got up the courage to come closer. Henry shrank back into the shadows, but she thought she saw a smile on his little face as he did. Regina chuckled to herself and focused on her exercises.

A booming voice interrupted her, “Queen Regina!”

She groaned inwardly, but plastered a smile onto her face as she turned to greet the circus’ owner.

“Mr. Gold,” she said, as pleasantly as possible. “I’m surprised to see you up and about so early in the morning.”

“It’s a big day today,” he replied, strutting towards her, his cane tracing lines in the sawdust. “I want to inspect everything personally.”

Regina stifled a sigh. He was going to watch them practice, which meant he was going to stop things every five minutes with “suggestions” that were never helpful and nobody ever took seriously. But he was the owner, so they had to make it look like his opinion mattered. She’d been through this before - every time they passed through New York City. Rumor was that his wife lived there, and he would do anything to impress her. _ Including work his performers to the bone _ , Regina thought grudgingly. But she just smiled again, and invited him to sit in the front row while she finished warming up. She was going to do a dry run through first before she got the horses out. They’d had a long couple of days, too, and she didn’t want to push them too hard. Rocinante in particular had looked so tired after the show yesterday that she’d personally spent an hour grooming him, even though the handlers took very good care of her beloved steed. 

She was halfway through a walk-through of her routine when the tent flap opened, and Mr. Gold leapt out of his seat. He shuffled over to greet whoever had walked in. Regina ignored it for the moment, grateful that his attention was elsewhere. But eventually the commotion was too much, and she stopped what she was doing to look over. A woman she’d never seen before was standing there, looking a little overwhelmed as Mr. Gold fawned over her. She was beautiful long golden hair tumbled over strong shoulders - she held herself deliberately, Regina recognized a well-trained athlete. She was dressed in a simple frock, but Regina could see what looked like red cowboy boots poking out from under it. With that detail, Regina knew who this was. This was Emma Swan, the legendary sharp-shooter who’d been making the rounds on the Rodeo circuit. Everybody had been talking about luring her into their show, and it seemed that Mr. Gold had finally won that contest. 

The woman looked over at her, and Regina caught her eye momentarily. She felt a shiver go through her body at the intensity in her gaze, which held for just a moment before sweeping around the tent. Regina realized she was standing there staring and shook herself. It was time to get the horses. 

As she walked over to the pen, she felt a kind of giddy excitement. If Emma Swan was as good as everyone said, Regina might finally have what she had been craving in this show - a rival. Well, an equal. She was leagues better than everyone else here, and she was convinced it was only a matter of time before a bigger show scooped her up. But if Emma Swan was here, maybe that was a sign that things were going to be moving up around here. Besides, Regina did best when she had someone to compete with. She just hoped the sharp-shooter lived up to her reputation.

Emma was gone by the time she got back into the tent, as was Mr. Gold, thankfully. As she warmed the horses up in the ring, she spotted Henry creeping closer and closer. She slowed the horses with a wave of her hand, and motioned for him to join her on the edge of the ring. He bit his lip but sidled up to her, and she put down a hand to help him climb up onto the platform that circled the ring. 

“Well hello there,” Regina said kindly. “You’re Henry, right?”

Henry nodded. 

“We haven’t been properly introduced. I’m Regina.” She put out her hand for him to shake, and after staring at it for a good 10 seconds, he took it. Regina grinned. Finally! 

“Do you like the horses, Henry?”

He nodded again.

“Have you ever ridden?”

This time he shook his head.

“I could teach you if you like.”

His eyes lit up, but he quickly shuffled a couple of steps away from her. “My Dad won’t let me,” he whispered.

Regina furrowed her brow. “Your Dad doesn’t want you to learn to ride?” she repeated.

Henry shook his head.

“Hmmm. Well, we’ll see about that. What’s your dad’s name?”

Regina’s heart nearly burst at the look of awe and excitement that shone out of Henry’s little brown eyes. 

“N-Neal Cassidy,” Henry stuttered. “He’s a juggler. We just joined.”

Regina nodded curtly. “Well, Henry, I will have a little chat with Mr. Neal Cassidy and see if we can’t convince him to let you ride.”

She looked down, and idea forming. “But before that, how about you help me with my act?”

Henry’s eyes got big. “H-help you?”

“Yes! I need someone to hold my hat and crop during my opening tricks, and then hand them to me halfway through. Do you think you can do that?”

Henry nodded enthusiastically, and Regina laughed. She walked him through where to stand and what to do, making sure he knew not to come down into the ring for any reason, and started the two horses running their circles. Just as she mounted Rocinante, she saw the tent flap open again, and a flash of golden hair appeared again.  _ Good _ , thought Regina,  _ Emma Swan will see who’s Queen of this circus. _

Henry did great, and when Regina was done, he ran right up to her and hugged her. Regina held him tight for a moment. Light from the tent flap caught her eye and she glanced up to see Emma Swan receding from view. 

 

***

Regina always ate right after a workout. It was the only way to keep from biting people’s heads off when she got too hungry without realizing it. Everyone else knew this, too, and even when it was between meals the cookhouse had food ready for her when they saw the horses leave the big top. Today it was eggs and potatoes, which suited her just fine. She chose a spot facing outwards, so she could keep an eye on the goings on while she ate. Very little escaped Queen Regina’s notice in this show.

Ruby, the belly dancer, had been flirting with one of the roustabouts for weeks now, and when Regina looked up from her eggs, she saw them sneaking off into a corner together. Finally! Regina had heard the other girls gossiping about how insufferable Ruby was being about this man, so maybe they’d all finally get some peace. A sudden movement had Regina’s eye drawn in the other direction, where she at last saw Neal, the new juggler. He was practicing over between the tent stakes, and she had to admit he was very good. She generally was not a fan of jugglers - it was essentially one trick that they did in different ways - but Neal was at least trying to make it interesting. And Henry was watching him with the same rapt attention he watched her. Which was interesting. She’d started to wonder if Henry was seeking out refuge from his father, but perhaps he was just a curious little boy. Regina wondered how old he was. Maybe 8? 10? It was hard to tell. 

Henry looked up just then, and saw her watching. He smiled shyly. Regina waved, deciding to wait until she had established more of a relationship with the boy to approach his father. She couldn’t say what it was about Henry, but something in her wanted very much to take him under her wing. She sighed. It was that time of year, wasn’t it? When her grief crept up on her. This interest in the boy was probably just her heart reaching out for the kind of connection she never got, except with her horses. Well, if Henry wanted to learn to ride, Regina would teach him. And maybe that would soothe her heart for long enough for the season to turn.

 

*******

They were in New York for five days, but it wasn’t until day three that Regina finally got to see Emma Swan in action. Apparently she’d been a big hit, and they moved her act to open the second half. That fell just as the handlers took the horses out to gear up, so Regina could slip in and watch. She was not disappointed. Emma Swan had a blustery, cocky stage presence that grabbed the audience’s attention and held it. And she made every single shot so perfectly, Regina had to squint to make sure it wasn’t a trick. But it wasn’t. She was just that good. The audience ate it up, and Regina felt that familiar fire building inside her. She had to beat this woman. She grinned to herself as she let that energy travel through her body. And beat her she did. Her performance that night was electric - everybody said so. Every handstand was perfectly held, her flourishes timed just right to get the audience roaring their approval. Mr. Gold just about wrung her hand off as he congratulated her after the show. 

Afterwards, Regina went back to her room to change. She often kept to herself on nights like this when she had given everything she had to the show, but frankly she wanted to meet Emma Swan, and maybe do a little bit of gloating. 

She made her way through the crowds to the cookhouse, grabbed a plate of food and found a seat near the edge where she could survey the grounds. It didn’t take long for her to spot Emma, but before she could decide on a plan of action, Henry came running up to her. He skidded to a stop in front of her table, a huge grin on his face. He clearly had something to say, but couldn’t quite figure out how to say it. 

Regina rescued him by speaking first: “Well hello there! Did you get to see the show tonight?”

Henry nodded enthusiastically.

“And?” said Regina, leaning forward. “What did you think?”

“You were amazing!” he said finally. Getting those words out seemed to break the dam, and he began babbling to her about everything he’d seen her do that was more impressive than in practice. Regina laughed and encouraged him, asking more about what he saw.

“Henry!” Neal came up with two plates of food in his hands. “Stop bothering her.”

“Oh he’s not bothering me at all!” Regina said quickly.

Henry had whipped his head around at his father, and was now looking down at the ground, embarrassed. 

Regina gestured to the table. “Come. Join me.”

Neal hesitated. Regina never willingly sought out company for meals, and he’d clearly been told that. But she stood and pulled another chair over for Henry, so Neal eventually nodded his thanks and sat down, putting one plate of food in front of the boy and one in front of himself.

“It’s good to finally meet you. I’ve so enjoyed having Henry help me out in practice,” Regina said.

Neal gaped at her, then at Henry. “That’s where you’ve been going every day?” he said to his son. Henry hung his head and nodded. 

“I’m so sorry,” Neal said to Regina. “I didn’t know.”

Regina narrowed her eyes at him. “Perhaps you weren’t listening when I said I enjoyed your son’s company. Though you certainly could keep a better eye on him if you didn’t know where he was for hours at a time.”

Neal looked like he wanted the earth to swallow him whole. And why shouldn’t he? When Regina put her on icy Queen voice, very few people could do more than duck their heads and nod. She turned back to Henry.

“Tell me more about the show,” she said, her tone entirely different. “I don’t get to see the first half. How did the clowns go over?”

Henry took one look at his father, who nodded, and then launched right back into his stream of consciousness. Neal stared at him, and once they were all done eating, he asked Henry to run their dishes back to the cookhouse window. He peered at Regina.

“Henry doesn’t usually talk to other people like that,” he said simply.

“Well then I’m flattered,” Regina responded.

“You’re sure you don’t mind him hanging around?”

“Not at all. I’ve quite enjoyed his energy, in fact.”

Neal hesitated again. “I just … well, just make sure he’s safe around the horses, alright?”

Regina raised her eyebrows. “Of course I make sure he’s safe around the horses,” she said icily. Neal winced. If ever there was a moment to ask about teaching Henry to ride, this was it.

“Henry told me you don’t let him ride,” she said, trying to sound approachable, but probably failing, if Neal’s expression was any indication. “I would be happy to teach him if you’re willing. I am, after all, the most qualified rider around.”

She had him, and they both knew it. If he said no, he would be insulting her, and one simply did not insult the star performer of a circus one had just joined. Neal scratched the back of his head and glanced up at her from under his furrowed brow. 

“Look, I know you’d teach him well, and I bet he’d love to, it’s just … complicated, OK? So can we wait? Give it a couple more weeks for him to settle in?”

Regina shrugged. “Very well, Mr. Cassidy. I’ll put it off for now.”

“Thank you,” he said, and it was so genuine that Regina couldn’t help but feel sorry for him. She softened her expression a little.

“A circus can be a hard place to grow up,” she said, something she knew from experience. “Having a skill like riding to work on will help.”

Neal nodded. “I know. I do. Just … let me talk to him about it first, OK?”

“Fair enough,” Regina replied. 

Henry came bounding back up to them, and Neal stood up. 

“Alright little man, time to get you cleaned up.”

“OK,” said Henry. He turned to her. “Bye, Regina!”

Regina broke into a huge smile at his first use of her name. “Goodbye Henry. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

It wasn’t until she was walking back towards the train that she realized Emma Swan had once again disappeared without a trace.


	2. Chapter 2

Emma Swan chewed on her nails as the train thundered through the darkness. She had a bad feeling about this. Knots had formed in her stomach the minute she’d signed the contract for Mr. Gold’s Circus of Wonders, and had been slowly tightening the closer she got to New York. She was pretty used to doing things that were bad ideas, but this one didn’t even seem that bad from the outside. She just couldn’t shake a feeling of dread.

She heaved a sigh, propped her feet up on the seat across from her, and pulled her hat down over her eyes, willing herself to get some sleep. She knew it wouldn’t happen, but figured it was worth a try. She’d lucked out with compartment to herself for this leg of the trip, and you don’t look at gift horse in the mouth, right? 

She dozed a little, but fitfully, and was relieved when she finally felt the train start to slow as they approached their destination. New York City loomed outside her window, lights shining in the pre-dawn darkness. She shoved her hat back onto her head and grabbed both of her bags, checking and then double checking her rifle case, just to make sure the only possession she truly cared about was safe and secure. As if anything could happen with it tucked securely behind her lower back the whole ride. She rubbed her face and squared her shoulders, determined to leave this ridiculous nameless fear behind her. The circus wasn’t so different from the rodeo. What the hell was she so afraid of?

 

***

She got her answer not five minutes after arriving. She was standing awkwardly with her luggage while someone went to find Mr. Gold when she saw him. Neal. Of all the shows in the country, Neal was working here. Her heart sank as she watched him talking with a burly looking man next to the circus train. It had been, what, ten years? She had expected him to settle down somewhere, give up the traveling circus life. Raise … their son. Emma shrank into the shadows as she realized that if Neal was here, Henry would be too. She was just about to turn tail and run when the women she’d met when she first walked in came back and told her that Mr. Gold was reviewing acts in the Big Top and she should meet him there.

Emma hesitated, glancing back at the gate. She could run. She could just disappear and … never work again. She heaved a sigh. Obviously she couldn’t do that. You didn’t just run out on a contract. She would play New York, and then see about getting out of it. Try to find another operation. So she set her jaw, patted her rifle case for good luck, and walked toward the dusty tent. 

The flap closed behind her, and it took a minute for her eyes to adjust to the dim light. Her eye was immediately drawn to the ring where an acrobat was warming up. She watched the woman’s deliberate movement with an appraising eye, immediately impressed by the precision she saw. Then Mr. Gold came bustling up to her, wringing her hand and chattering on about how excited they were to have her, how they couldn’t wait to present a little taste of the wild west to the city dwellers, blah blah blah. Emma looked over his shoulder every chance she got, taking in the tent and the ring, and watching the acrobat, whose lithe form was stunning in every way. Eventually the woman stopped what she was doing and looked up. Their eyes met, and a shiver passed through Emma’s body. The woman’s gaze was intense, and Emma immediately wanted more of it. 

“Isn’t that right Miss Swan?” Mr. Gold said.

Emma shook her head. “I’m sorry, say that again?”

He chuckled. “I suppose we’ve overwhelmed you. No matter, there’ll be plenty of time to talk advertising after the first show. Let me show you to your accommodations.”

Emma took one more look over her shoulder on the way out, catching a glimpse of the woman walking out the other side of the tent.

The circus train was surprisingly nice, and she had a berth in a room with just one other girl, which was honestly a luxury after her last gig. She stowed her things and sat down heavily on the bed, her system tensing up as she thought about Neal. How the hell had this happened? And what was she going to do? 

Before she could sink too far into her misery, though, the door banged open and her new roommate emerged from the sunshine outside.

“Oh hi!” she said cheerily. “You must be Emma. I’m Mary Margaret.”

She stuck out her hand for Emma to shake.

“Nice to meet you,” Emma mumbled.

“I hear you’re a sharp-shooter,” Mary Margaret said as she closed the door and started to gather what must be her costume. “Never had one of those here before. We’re all very excited.”

Emma nodded. “Thanks. It’ll be fun to play to a new audience.”

Mary Margaret tugged off her shoes, and placed them carefully under her bed. Emma made a mental note to be tidy - this woman looked like she cared about things like that. 

“So, where’d you come in from?” she asked.

“Omaha,” Emma replied.

“Yugh. That’s a long ride.”

Emma chuckled. “Yeah. I’ll be glad for 5 days in one place to start.”

“I hear that.”

The conversation paused while Mary Margaret squeezed her way into a tight corseted dress with a lot of complicated looking clasps down the front.

“So, what’s your act?” Emma asked.

“Birds!” Mary Margaret replied with a grin.

“Birds?” Emma repeated.

“I train them to dance with me, and they carry this little banner around the tent at the end. You should watch if you can. Where did they put you in the lineup?”

Emma shrugged. “I haven’t gotten that far yet.”

“Go talk to Granny. She knows everything, and if she doesn’t, she’ll find out for you. She hangs around the cookhouse most of the time. Which is why we have decent food around here,” Mary Margaret added with a wink.

“Alright, Emma. I’m off to rehearse. See you later!”

Emma watched her flounce out the door, and shook her head. That woman had far too much enthusiasm. But she would be a good roommate, Emma thought. She took another look around. The room was like any other room on a train - dark, cramped, everything nailed down or build into the wall. But there were nice little touches, too. A jeweled mirror had been tacked onto the back of the door, and little blue scarves hung from Mary Margaret’s berth, giving her side of a room a homey feel. Emma wondered if the scarves were part of her bird act. She laughed to herself. That one she definitely needed to see.

She opened her traveling bags and pulled out her three keepsakes. She spread the purple and white quilt she’d had since childhood onto the mattress, hung the small silver swan she’d bought with her first ever paycheck over a post on the edge of the bed, and tucked the tiny leather baby shoes with “Henry” stamped on them carefully into her pillow case. She held them for an extra moment as she did. She wondered what he looked like now. She’d always wondered what he looked like. And now she’d find out. She squeezed her eyes shut as tears threatened to fall. No. She couldn’t start now. If she did, she’d never stop. Emma cast about the room for something to distract her, when suddenly the image of that acrobat popped into her head. Without giving it a second thought, she tucked her rifle into a drawer and headed back towards the Big Top, hoping the acrobat would still be there.

Emma managed to avoid eye contact with anyone on her way over to the tent, and didn’t hesitate as she pulled open the heavy canvas. The sound - and smell - of horses greeted her, and as her eyes adjusted she saw the acrobat was in fact a trick rider. And a good one, at that. The horses themselves were beautiful - big, strong animals that were clearly very well trained. Emma felt a twinge of jealousy as she watched them trot expertly in time with each other. The woman was standing in the saddle now, and she reached down towards the platform around the ring. Emma looked to where she was reaching, and gasped out loud as she saw what could only be her son leaning forward to hand a hat and crop to the rider with the biggest smile on his face. He looked so much like his father, but Emma saw her own high cheekbones in his face too, and her hands felt cold and sweaty as she took him in. He was small, but looked well cared for, with his messy brown hair falling just above his eyebrows. He was wearing a sturdy black jacket whose sleeves were just a little bit too short, long pants, and brown boots that looked just perfect for riding. She wondered if he rode. She wondered if he still loved to play with soap bubbles. She wondered what his favorite food was.

The tears came without warning, and before either of them could see her, she turned and ran from the tent. She didn’t bother going back to the train - she couldn’t face anyone right now. She just ran right out of the gate and into the streets of New York City. She didn’t know where she was, or where she was going. She just needed to get away. Away from the choice she’d made ten years ago that she never knew whether she regretted or not. Until now. She thought of Henry’s face as he watched that woman riding, and everything that could have been came rushing into her mind. Teaching Henry to ride, and to shoot, and watching Neal teach him to juggle, and to read. Having someone to come home to at the end of the day, to talk things over with, to make fun of. All the things she left behind in favor of what? Fame? A couple of interesting jobs? 

“Hey, watch where you’re going!” 

Emma jumped back as a motorcar sped past the spot where she’d just been standing. She blinked, looking around her for the first time. She’d ended up in a pretty fancy looking neighborhood, with gas lamps lining the cobblestone streets and heavy doors with polished brass looming up from the sidewalk. New York was such an odd place - Emma much preferred towns that made sense, instead of cities where the people and the rules changed from street to street. She turned around and started to pick her way back towards the circus, focusing all of her attention on remembering which way she’d turned, hoping to drown out any thoughts of her son for a few minutes. It almost worked.

 

***

Emma got very good at avoiding Neal and Henry over the next five days. There were only a few kids in the circus, so she ducked around corners, turned on her heel, and vanished into tents whenever she saw a child coming her way. Obviously Neal knew she was there, but he hadn’t sought her out, either. She had also learned that the trick rider was Regina Mills, and that she was the star of the show. The mixture of pride, jealousy, and shame that she felt when she watched Regina and Henry together was unlike anything she’d ever felt before, and she stopped sneaking in to watch them after the third time. Henry was clearly taken with the woman, and that made Emma want to scream for a variety of known and unknown reasons. 

She was, therefore, completely blindsided when she exited the ring after her act on their last night in New York to find Neal and Henry standing there, clearly having just watched her from backstage. Henry applauded, while Neal chewed on his bottom lip, staring at her. Emma stopped in her tracks, clutching her rifle close.

“You were great!” Henry said in a small voice.

Emma’s breath caught. She tried to smile at him, but it didn’t quite happen. So she nodded, and turned to go.

“Emma -” Neal said, catching her arm.

She stopped, but didn’t turn around.

“Not here, Neal,” she said quietly.

He dropped his hand as the roar of the crowd filtered in through the tent walls. 

“Fine. But we need to talk. Just us. Come find me after dinner, alright?”

Emma nodded, walking away as fast as she could. Not fast enough, though, to miss Henry asking his father “you know her?” It was more than she could bear. She should just leave. She could bail on her contract after the New York gig without too much fallout. Run away and pretend none of this had ever happened. Let Henry keep thinking she was dead, or whatever it was Neal had decided to tell him.

Except that she couldn’t. Now that she’d seen him - she couldn’t run away. His piercing brown eyes had looked at her with interest and excitement, and they were so achingly familiar and yet she didn’t know them well enough to know exactly what emotion was hiding behind them. And she had to know. She had to know her son.

So after dinner, which she grabbed and ate in her berth, she asked around and found the car where Neal and Henry were housed. It was shared with eight other people, so as soon as Neal saw her coming, he told Henry to stay there and jumped out to walk with Emma. They turned and headed away from prying eyes as soon as they could, walking silently in the humid summer night as the circus buzzed with the activity of packing up for the next day’s travel. They found themselves near the fence separating the circus from the swamp behind it, and slowed to a stop, both facing out and gazing at the moon rising slowly in the sky.

“I didn’t know you were here,” Emma said finally. “I wouldn’t have come if I did.”

“I know,” Neal replied. 

Their words hung in the stagnant air.

“Does he think I’m dead?” Emma asked, unable to sugar coat her words.

“No,” said Neal sadly. “I told him the truth, sort of.”

“What does that mean?”

“He knows that circus families don’t get to stay together. He watched a couple of kids’ dads leave for other gigs.”

“So he thinks I abandoned him,” Emma said.

Neal didn’t answer - he didn’t have to.

The pain in Emma’s chest turned sharp, and she choked out, “I’m sorry.”

Neal nodded. “I know.”

“Does he hate me?” Emma whispered.

“I don’t think so. But I won’t tell him who you are, and I think he wishes he knew.”

Emma turned to him, searching his face for more information. “And what do you wish? Do you wish I’d stayed?”

Neal turned to face her as well. He shook his head, but his face had sadness written all over it.

“No, I don’t. I always wanted what was best for you, Emma.”

Emma’s eyes swam with tears. “But was that best for him?”

Neal took her hand, though Emma couldn’t see his expression through her tears. “I don’t know,” he said. “But we’ve been happy. He’s a good kid. And you know I always wanted to be a father.”

Something about the feel of Neal’s hand in hers cut through the panic that was rising. She took a deep breath. That’s right - they’d had this exact conversation ten years ago, when Neal had offered to let her disappear. She squeezed his hand before pulling hers back to wipe her eyes. She turned back to the fence, her eyes unfocused.

“What’s he like?” she asked.

She heard the smile in Neal’s voice as he answered: “Curious. He’ll sit back and watch an act and then come to me with a million questions about how everything works.”

Emma laughed softly. “I bet you love that,” she joked.

Neal snorted. “Sometimes we have a limit on question time.”

“Can he read?”

“Better than me.”

“That’s not hard.”

Neal swatted her arm, and just for a moment, Emma remembered what this relationship had been like before all of this. 

“Can he juggle better than you too?” she asked, continuing to tease.

“Never,” Neal said with a laugh.

Emma fell silent for a moment as the next question popped into her head.

“Can he ride?” she asked quietly.

Neal didn’t answer for a minute. “No,” he said finally.

Emma thought he was going to leave it at that, but he turned back to her. “Regina Mills asked me if she could teach him,” he said.

Emma blinked. That was definitely not what she was expecting him to say. “What?” was all she could manage.

“The star trick rider,” Neal explained. “Henry’s been watching her practice since we got here, and I guess she’s taken a liking to him. She asked me if she could teach him to ride.”

“And what did you say?” Emma asked, that jealous buzzing in her brain from earlier starting to rise again.

Neal sighed. “I didn’t think I could say no. But I asked her to wait a couple weeks. I wanted to figure out what’s happening with you and me first.”

“Let me teach him,” Emma blurted out nearly before he could finish. No way was some stranger going to teach her son to ride. Now that she was here, that was the one thing she could leave him with.

“Emma…” Neal was saying. “I don’t  - he’s a smart kid. You start taking an interest in him and he’s going to figure it out.”

Emma chewed on her lip. She knew he was right, but stil…

“What if I talk to Regina Mills?” she said. “We could teach him together. Maybe even get all the circus kids together so it’s less obvious.”

Neal looked like he wanted to argue, but didn’t say anything. Eventually he shook his head.

“OK,” he sighed. “I know that look. You’re not going to take no for an answer. Just be careful, OK?”

“I will.”

They turned to walk back towards the train, which was almost ready to head out. Before they turned the corner and would be back in sight of the rest of the circus, though, Neal grabbed her arm. 

“Emma, you know why I didn’t teach him - “

“I know,” she interrupted. She didn’t need him to say it. “But nothing is going to happen to him. I promise. What happened to your mother was a freak accident. It’s perfectly safe for Henry.”

She watched him swallow his fear, just like he always used to whenever she got on her horse. She took his hand, like he had before, and squeezed it. 

“He’s a circus kid, Neal. He needs to learn to ride a horse.”

Neal managed a small smile. “That’s what Regina Mills said.”

Emma grinned. “Good. Then she and I already have something in common.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter today because updating once a week is harder than I thought! But I did it. :)
> 
> Also I updated the tags to include angst, because apparently my characters are full of feelings in this one.

Regina lay in her bed while the train picked up steam headed out of Boston. They’d had a good run in first some town in Connecticut, then Providence, and Boston, and now were headed farther north. Regina generally kept to herself during daytime journeys like this one, but right now she was fighting with herself about whether she was going to try to find Emma or not. Against her better judgment, she’d agreed to let Emma teach the circus kids to ride with her, and now it felt like every thought Regina had revolved around Emma Swan in one way or another. And it was embarrassing. This happened to Regina every now and then - some strong-headed woman would enter her life, turn everything upside down, and become the sole focus of her attentions for as long as whatever relationship they had lasted, and then she would move on. Most of them physically moved on, as in got a job in another circus, but a few had simply found a boyfriend and no longer had any need of her.

Regina sighed and sat up, watching the scenery speed by. The last time this had happened it had left her absolutely heart broken. She’d met Mal right after Daniel had died, and the older woman had kept her from falling to pieces during those first six months. The two of them were inseparable … until they weren’t. Mal had just gotten distant, and Regina never knew why. It still hurt to think about.

With that loneliness sinking into her heart, she closed her eyes and lay back down.  _ Why bother _ , she thought.  _ Emma will leave me just like the rest of them. Better to not even let her in at all. _

 

***

Regina must have fallen asleep, because she was startled awake by a gentle but insistent tapping at her door. She rubbed her eyes and glanced out the window. The sun was setting, but it was still light, so she hadn’t been asleep that long. And it was too early to be arriving. Who in the world would risk knocking on her door like that?

Curiosity got the better of her, but she ran a hand through her hair and tried to paste on a face of annoyance before opening the door. All of her angst instantly melted away when a set of hopeful brown eyes looked up at her from the doorway.

“Henry,” she breathed. “What are you doing here?”

Henry glanced behind him before saying in one long exhale “I wanted to know if you want to come play cards with me in the common area.” 

Regina grinned. He’d clearly rehearsed that line. And even though it was something she never did, she very quickly agreed, grabbing a shawl before following him down the corridor and into the next car.

Every single person in the common area turned to watch as she walked in behind Henry, and conversation stopped for a good 10 seconds before starting up again at an unnatural level of activity. Regina’s brain was screaming at her to turn around, but she schooled her expression and followed Henry to an empty couch with a small table at the far end. She took in the worn couches and chairs, the groups of people sprawling on top of each other, or leaning close over games. She rarely interacted with the other performers like this - out of costume, not in warm up clothes, and being … friendly with one another. She had no idea what to do with herself.

Luckily Henry had a plan. He pulled out a deck of cards and began teaching her a game she’d never heard of and only barely understood the rules to. But it didn’t matter. Every time she made a mistake or asked a question, Henry looked at her with this mixture of confusion and awe, as if he couldn’t believe that he was teaching her something for a change. It was precious, and fed her soul. She got the hang of the game eventually, but had no thoughts of anything except continuing to let Henry win. 

The chatter around them died down as well, as people absorbed the information that the Queen of the Circus had come to the common room to play cards with a ten year old boy. Regina had kept some of her attention on the room, though, just because she didn’t quite feel comfortable there. So when Emma Swan walked in through door just a couple feet from her, Regina was the first to see her. Emma immediately spotted them, stopped in her tracks, and then visibly forced herself to smile as she walked over to them. Regina frowned. This kind of reaction had been happening a lot, particularly when Emma saw Henry helping Regina with her act, and it was starting to get to Regina. What was Emma reacting to? She was pretty friendly as they planned out their riding lessons for the circus kids. And yet there was something about Henry that made her act … the only word Regina could possibly use to describe it was jealous. And that didn’t make any sense.

“Emma!” Henry had finally seen her, too, and scooted over to make room. 

Emma sat so Henry was now between her and Regina. She pointed to the cards.

“What are you playing?”

“Rummy!” Henry exclaimed, and both Regina and Emma laughed at the enthusiasm in his voice.

“Did Neal teach you that?” Emma asked.

Henry nodded.

“Well,” she grabbed the cards and started to shuffle, “Neal never once beat me, so let’s see what you’ve got, kid.”

Emma winked at Regina, who smiled back at her, her heart starting to flutter in a familiar way. She looked down and tried to concentrate on her cards. She was so distracted that this time Henry beat her fairly, although she suspected that Emma had orchestrated her loss. Which only endeared her to Regina more. She tried to push the thoughts out of her head.

As they played, Regina tried to take in whatever else was happening around them. Now that she was here, she couldn’t believe she’d held herself aloof for so long. Yes, she had an image to maintain as the star of the show, but the intense loneliness that had been building up in her heart for, well, years, eased just a little at being surrounded by people who didn’t want anything from her. But as she swept her gaze around the room, a young woman with a cloud of blonde hair and form fitting green dress sitting in the opposite corner looked away from her so quickly that Regina knew she’d been staring at them. Well, more precisely, staring at her. And not with good intentions, either, from the angry look on her face.

“Regina?” Emma was prodding her. “It’s your turn.”

Regina looked back and absent-mindedly played a card.

When she glanced back over to her left, the woman didn’t even bother to avert her eyes. Instead she stared Regina down. Regina’s first impulse was get up and go confront her, but she didn’t want to make a scene in front of Henry. She wasn’t about to back down, though, so she held the woman’s gaze until her opponent looked away. Which, of course, she did. Regina may have been fraternizing with the hoi-polloi at this moment, but she was still Queen of this circus.

“OK, what is going on over there?” Emma asked.

Regina snapped her head back to her companions, who were both watching this silent exchange intently. She waved their concern away.

“Petty rivalry, I’m sure,” she answered, then leaned forward conspiratorially. “To be perfectly honest I don’t even know who she is.”

Henry laughed, but Emma frowned at her words.

“So you’re just staring her down for no reason?”

Regina looked over at Emma, her expression cooling off by the second. “She is staring at me, Miss Swan,” she said slowly. “I am merely returning the favor.”

Emma shrugged. “OK. But maybe she was just staring off into space and you happened to be in the way.”

Regina turned to face her fully. “You don’t think I know the difference between someone watching me and someone staring past me?”

Emma blushed a deep red. It took everything in Regina not to react, because quite honestly she hadn’t expected that to hit a nerve. Clearly it had, though, and she filed that information away for later.

“Never mind,” mumbled Emma. “Let’s just finish the game.”

Regina finished the game, but excused herself as soon as they were done. She held herself rigid as she walked back through the car alone, keenly aware that a number of sets of eyes followed her as she went. As soon as she’d closed the door to her compartment, she crumpled down to the floor, breathing hard as the anxiety that she’d pushed down so successfully welled up now that she was safe.

That’s right. This is why she didn’t socialize. Something always went wrong and left her terrified of what people were going to do next. This is why she preferred the company of her horses - their behavior was predictable. 

She nearly jumped out of her skin when someone knocked on the door that she was leaning against. At first she just froze, wondering if they would go away. But when she heard that someone call her name, she stood up and pulled the door open so fast that Emma Swan nearly toppled right into her room. 

“Can I help you Miss Swan?” Regina asked in her iciest voice.

Emma seemed to falter, and she stuttered a couple of times before managing to say “I just wanted to make sure you were OK.”

It was said all in one breath, and for a moment Regina softened, as it was exactly how Henry had sounded when he came to her door an hour earlier. But then her defenses went up, and she pulled herself taller as she answered, “thank you I do not need baby sitting. Please return to your own berth,” and slammed the door.

She stood as still as possible until she finally heard Emma’s cowboy-boot footsteps walking away. Quietly, she pulled off her own shoes, pulled the thick red curtains across her tiny window, and got into bed, where she stayed, emptying her mind of all thoughts, until the train pulled into the depot in whatever little town in Maine was their next stop.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's still Monday in my time zone... :)  
> Thank you all for reading! I know this is slow to start, but I'm building some context for more to happen, I promise.

Emma had some choice words to say about Her Majesty Queen Regina when she got back to her little train car room with Mary Margaret. Mary Margaret just chuckled and nodded like she wasn’t surprised at all.

“Regina has quite the reputation around here,” she told Emma. 

Emma was stretched out on her bed with her arms thrown over her face. Mary Margaret was mending one of her costumes on her bed while she commiserated with Emma’s story of getting Regina’s door slammed in her face  _ when she was just trying to be nice! _

“What I don’t get is why she bothers to try to get to know anyone if she’s just going to turn around and do that,” Emma groaned. “And what the hell was going on with that woman, I can’t remember her name. You know, the flier from the trapeze act?”

“Tink,” Mary Margaret supplied. “I think her name is Jade or something like that, but everyone calls her Tink.”

“Yeah, her. She was staring daggers at Regina while we were playing cards. That’s what started all of this anyway.”

Mary Margaret looked up from her project. “Really?” she asked.

Emma grinned at the way her roommate was suddenly interested in this information. “Yeah. She didn’t say anything, just glared at her. And of course Regina glared back and then she got all mad and practically stormed off. I’m pretty sure if Henry wasn’t there there would have been a confrontation.”

“Hmmmm,” Mary Margaret said. 

Emma waited for her to go on, but when she didn’t, Emma prompted, “what’s their story?”

“I’m not entirely sure,” Mary Margaret said, “I didn’t even know they knew each other. Although maybe Tink knew her husband? No, that can’t be - unless they knew each other from somewhere else. They never overlapped in the circus.”

Emma blinked at her. For some reason she had never wondered whether Regina was married. She supposed Regina was probably about her own age, and therefore it was just as odd that she wasn’t married. Then she realized she’d never seen Regina with anyone.

“Wait, who is Regina’s husband?” she asked.

“Oh,” Mary Margaret sighed as she picked up her mending again. “Hi died about two years ago. He was such a lovely man,” she added wistfully, “and Regina really hasn’t been the same since.”

Curiosity bubbled up inside Emma, and she stood up to go plop herself right next to Mary Margaret on her bunk.

“Tell me everything,” said Emma.

Mary Margaret looked up and laughed. “I’ve never seen you so excited about circus gossip,” she said.

“It’s not gossip if it’s true.”

“Fine. But you’ll have to earn your keep. Go grab my gloves and help me restitch the seams.”

Emma did as she was told as Mary Margaret began talking. She was definitely a gossip, but she knew that about herself and seemed not to mind when people teased her about it. Emma had tried to stay above the petty social dramas so far, but Regina was such a mystery, and so frustrating, that Emma just wanted to understand her, so she was eager to hear what Mary Margaret had picked up about her.

“Nobody knows much about where Regina came from, but she’s not from a circus family, so she probably ran away from something. She and her husband Daniel had an act together when they first got here. She was always so much better than him, but she toned it down so he wouldn’t look bad. And he knew it, too. Every now and then he’d fake an injury so she’d have to go out and perform alone, and the audiences always loved it. Eventually he convinced her that it was better if he just stood in the center of the ring directing the horses while she did the actual tricks. And that’s when she became the headliner. 

Two years ago we had that really cold spring, and everyone got sick. Daniel caught pneumonia and never recovered. It was really awful, and for a while we thought Regina was going to leave. But she stayed, and just kind of isolated herself. She spends most of her time with the horses now.”

Mary Margaret pointed at the forgotten gloves in Emma’s hands. “Emma. Mending.”

“Sorry,” Emma mumbled, and got to work. “I wonder what she does all day.”

“I honestly don’t know. Things got a little better when Mal was around, but even that didn’t seem to help for very long.”

Emma’s eyes widened. “Who’s Mal?” she asked. “Mary Margaret, you’re holding out on me!”

“I’m not holding out, I’m getting there! Mal was a fire dancer, really top notch performer, too. She joined just after Daniel died, and she and Regina were double billed as the headliners that year in New York. Everyone was afraid Regina would get jealous, but they must have hit it off, and pretty soon they were inseparable,” Mary Margaret lowered her voice, “ Mal even slept in her room most nights.”

Emma froze for just a moment. Her almost obsessive need to make sense of this woman suddenly took on a new context. Was Regina … like her? She brushed the thought away - she’d been burned before by following that line of thinking. And yet … well if she was honest she knew that she had those kinds of feelings for Regina, but to think there was a possibility of her returning them?

“But something must have happened between them,” Mary Margaret was saying, “because after that season Mal didn’t come back. And she was so good, there’s no way Mr. Gold fired her. Anyway, after that Regina disappeared. She stuck to her room, the horses, and the ring. She even eats at odd times so she doesn’t have to talk to anyone at the cookhouse.”

Emma suddenly didn’t know what to say, but she desperately wanted to know more. She thought carefully before asking simply, “what was she like before Daniel died?”

Mary Margaret smiled sadly. “She was so kind. And excited about everything. Don’t get me wrong - she’s always been a perfectionist, and would bite your head off if you got in the way of her training or especially if you mistreated her horses. But she made up for it by doing little things for others. Gifts and helping out behind the scenes - things like that. And she adored Daniel. You could see it in her face.”

Emma closed her eyes and imagined Regina’s face filled with love. It made her heart ache for how hard she had to think to imagine it. She tied off her last piece of thread and handed the mended gloves over to her roommate.

“Thanks,” said Mary Margaret, and then hesitated. “Emma, I know you two are teaching riding together, and now you’re asking about her, and… look, Regina is a good person, but …just be careful, alright?”

“What do you mean?” Emma asked, afraid that she might know the answer. She’d had this conversation before, about her not getting mixed up with “people like that”. She generally went and befriended anyone that she was warned against, but it still kind of hurt to absorb the judgment. 

But instead Mary Margaret just said, “Well, you’ve seen how she can lash out at people. You’re very sweet, Emma, and I don’t want you to get hurt just because she’s forgotten how to have friends.”

Emma’s tension melted away. She leaned over and gave Mary Margaret a quick hug before going back to her side of the room.

“I will,” she said.

 

***

The next day Emma tried to keep it together while she and Regina planned out what they were going to do with the kids in their riding lesson. She now knew just enough about Regina to be even more curious, especially as to the nature of her relationship with this mysterious Mal. But she also had seen enough of her to know that she should be cautious about how she brought it up. So she tried to keep things casual. And, of course, failed miserably. When it came to fascinating women, Emma Swan just couldn’t help herself.

They had made their plan and were checking the saddles before they went to round up the kids. Emma watched the way Regina gazed lovingly at her horse, and the words just came out before she could do anything about it.

“Did Daniel get you that horse?”

Regina whipped her head around so fast Emma was honestly worried about her neck. 

“Who told you about that?” she hissed.

Emma faltered. “No one. I mean, I uh, asked my roommate…”

“Mary Margaret?” Regina sneered. “That gossip doesn’t know what she’s talking about.”

“Hey,” Emma said, reaching out a hand towards Regina, who shied away from it. “I didn’t mean to bring up old memories. I’m sorry.”

“Can we just go start the lesson now?” Regina said. 

Emma noted that she wasn’t looking at her. She sighed. “Sure.”

The lesson started off fine. Regina was teaching the kids proper rein technique for turning a horse, and as expected, Emma found herself watching the other woman closely. So closely, in fact, that she completely missed one of the kids starting to slide sideways off the saddle until Henry, who was waiting his turn, shouted out her name.

She dashed forward and grabbed the girl just before she fell, holding her carefully while she untangled her foot from the stirrups. 

“Miss Swan!” Regina’s voice boomed from behind her the minute she had Grace back on the ground in one piece. Emma flinched. 

“Where is your mind?” Regina hissed to her. “Grace nearly fell right in front of your face.”

“I’m sorry,” Emma whispered back. “I was just looking somewhere else. She’s fine.”

“She could easily not have been. Stay present, or get out.”

That was too much. “You’re not in charge here, Regina,” Emma snapped back, her voice getting louder.    
“Oh?” Regina responded, her voice raising in kind. “Whose horses are these? Whose equipment? Who rides twice a day?”

“Sure. Yes - we know. You’re a great rider. But I approached you about teaching,” Emma said, on the verge of losing control. She knew she should stop. But she didn’t.

“It was my idea in the first place,” Regina yelled.

“To teach Henry! I wanted to offer that opportunity to any of the circus children.”

Regina was silent for a beat. Then she leaned forward and delivered her closing volley right in Emma’s face: “And he would have been better learning just with me. He doesn’t even like you.”

Emma felt the knife go through her heart as her worst fear was confirmed. She opened her mouth, but had nothing to say. So she shut it again and walked away without another word, leaving a buzzing of questions from not only the four children in the riding class, but the small group of onlookers who had gathered as soon as the women had raised their voices.

Emma heard Regina tell the kids that they were done for the day as she walked away. Normally she would have just kept walking, but they were in this tiny town in Maine, and had been given strict instructions not to leave the compound. Apparently the locals were wary of circus people. So instead she just made her way to her shared train car, opened the door, and sank onto her bed, letting the quiet darkness fold in around her.

 

***

Somebody told Mary Margaret about their fight, because she came in quietly for once, and let Emma brood for a while before turning up the single lamp in the car and, sitting on her bed, gently roused Emma.

“Are you alright?” she asked kindly.

Emma sat up. She wished more than anything that she could talk to someone about what was really bothering her, but she didn’t think Mary Margaret was that person, as kind as she was. The only person who truly understood her was…

She chuckled a little as she realized that for the first time in 10 years the one person who had been completely trustworthy with her secret was in fact right down the road. 

“Yes,” she said to Mary Margaret. “Sorry to be sulking. I should have listened to you about Regina.”

“Oh, Emma,” Mary Margaret sighed. “I’m sorry.”

Emma shrugged, and came up with an excuse to leave. Mary Margaret hugged her on her way out, but let her go.

She picked her way around the various groups of people rehearsing, gossiping, and generally enjoying the warm afternoon sun until she made it to Neal’s car. She knocked on the door. Someone else poked their head out and told her that Neal was in the big top rehearsing. Emma thanked them and went to watch. 

She found Henry sitting in the front row, slumped in a seat but watching his father intently. She took a deep breath before sitting down with one seat between them. Henry glanced over at her and then sank deeper into his slouch. Emma stopped herself from laughing at how much he was like her, and then caught her breath as she realized that he didn’t know that. She squeezed her fingers together for a moment, before she figured out where to start.

“Hey, I’m sorry that Regina and I had that fight in front of you kids,” she said.

Henry glared at her but then sighed dramatically. “It’s OK. I just wish you didn’t fight at all.”

Emma’s heart melted. “Don’t worry - we’ll work it out. Sometimes…” she smiled sadly, watching Neal execute his turns perfectly, “sometimes people get off on the wrong foot but end up being really good friends.”

Henry nodded. “I want you two to be friends,” he whispered, so quietly Emma wasn’t entirely sure she was meant to hear it. But she did.

“You like Regina, don’t you?” she asked.

Henry nodded. 

“She lets you help in her act,” Emma said.

Henry nodded again.

“Does your dad ever let you do that?”

Henry grinned. “Not yet. But he’s training me!”

“Is he?”

“Sure am,” Neal said, walking over from the center ring to where they were sitting. He tossed a ball at Henry, who caught it expertly, and threw it right back.

“Wow!” said Emma, genuinely impressed with his reflexes.

“I know!” said Neal. “He’s going to be better than me pretty soon.”

He smiled at Emma, and Emma beamed at Henry, and Henry grinned at his father, and Emma’s heart skipped a beat. 

“Can I help in your act, Emma?” Henry said, breaking the spell. 

“No,” she said automatically, at the same time as Neal said “Absolutely not.”

She laughed as Henry pouted. “Let’s work on riding first, OK? Work up to shooting.”

“Alright…” he said.

Suddenly it sunk in that Regina had been wrong - Henry didn’t dislike her at all. He was just a reserved kid, but he was starting to open up. And with that her anger at Regina bubbled up again, and she remembered why she was here in the first place.

“Hey Henry,” she said, “I was hoping to borrow your dad for something. You think you can give us some time?”

“OK,” he said, and leapt up to hug Neal before leaving. He turned back as he reached the aisle, hesitating. Emma desperately wanted to reach out and hug him as well, but she had promised herself not to push it. But when Henry crept back a couple more steps, she recognized his shy attempt to ask, so she opened her arms and held him to her for the briefest moment. 

Thankfully he ran off so fast he didn’t see the tears that sprang to her eyes. 

“You OK?” Neal asked quietly.

Emma nodded, but took a moment before wiping at her eyes. She turned back to him, and he just nodded.

“I know,” he said. “I know.”

They looked at each other for another moment, before Emma cocked her head. “Can we sit?”

They chose a couple seats halfway up one side of the risers. Everybody knew that this was the best place to have a private conversation in the circus - far enough from the tent walls that nobody could hear you and leaving the center ring free should someone need it to practice. Emma and Neal sat the way she had with Henry - with one seat between them - leaning towards each other.

“Did you hear about my fight with Regina in front of the kids?” she asked.

“Oh yeah,” he said. “Everybody heard about it.”

Emma shook her head and rolled her eyes. She looked down at her hands. 

“Neal. Regina, she … I think ... “ God, this used to be so easy. But it had been ten years, and even though she trusted him, it was still hard to say. 

He just waited while she tried again.

“You remember Lily?” she said quietly.

Neal nodded. 

“I think I’m interested in Regina … that way. And Mary Margaret told me something that makes me think that maybe she’s like me.”

Neal stayed perfectly still for a moment.

“You know I love you, Em,” he said finally.

Emma bit her lip, waiting for the “but.”

“But - “ _ there it was. _

“But I think you should let it go. Regina is … unpredictable.”

“And yet you let Henry hang around with her all the time?” Emma cut in. “Sorry,” she added. “I know that’s none of my business.”

Neal cleared his throat. “Look, I don’t love it, but he went and attached himself to her without me knowing. And she’s been nothing but caring and wonderful to him. She’s better with him than anyone else I think.”

Emma chewed harder on her lip. This information was not helping her let go of her feelings about this mysterious woman. 

“So what, you don’t think she’s like me?” Emma asked.

“I have no idea, Em.” Neal said. “But it’s Henry I’m worried about. He likes Regina. I’d hate for you two to get… complicated and make it hard for him.”

Emma deflated. That was a good point.

“I’m not saying don’t talk to her or anything,” Neal added. “Just maybe leave it at the riding lessons. Maybe just let anything else go.”

Emma reached out and took his hand. 

“I’ve missed you, Nealio,” she said.

He laughed at the nickname. “I’ve missed you too, Em. It’s good to have you here.”

His face turned serious. “Don’t fuck it up.”

She laughed with him, and leaned forward to kiss his cheek. “I’ll try.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I started this I wanted it to be pretty historically accurate. I've kind of let that go. But I'm trying. :)
> 
> Thank you for reading!

Regina was off her game. That incident on the train on the way to Maine had really thrown her. She was seeing that woman everywhere - Tink, people called her. She was the trapeze flyer, and she continued to glare at Regina every time they passed each other. But she didn’t say anything, and Regina certainly wasn’t going to give her an opportunity. So for now it remained a mystery. A frustrating, rude, infuriating mystery. And she couldn’t talk to anyone about it. She was wary of bringing it up to anyone else, and the only other person who’d been there was Emma, and she couldn’t talk to her. Not after how badly she’d left things. They hadn’t done another riding lesson since the fight, and Regina somehow knew that unless she was the one to go find her, and probably apologize, Emma would just write her off.

Regina was absent-mindedly grooming Rocinante when an idea started to form. The thing that had kept her going the past few weeks had been the riding lessons. Why not go find Henry and keep teaching just him? She hadn’t really wanted to teach all of the children in the first place. And Henry’s father couldn’t possibly object now that they’d already gotten started. It would be a glimmer of happiness in what was proving to be an even worse season than last year, and she was going to take it. 

Regina went and found Henry, thankful that he was with his father, and not hanging around Emma, as he’d started to do when he wasn’t with her. 

“Regina,” Neal said cautiously. “How are you?”

Regina schooled her features and smiled regally. “Just fine, thank you.” She turned to Henry. “I was wondering if you’d like to continue our riding lessons with me today.”

Henry’s eyes lit up, and he glanced back at his father.

“With just you?” Neal asked.

“Yes,” said Regina. She stared him down, daring him to object.

“Uhmm, well…” Neal stammered. Then he sighed. “Sure. Go ahead.”

Regina couldn’t help the triumphant smile as Henry leapt up, gave his father a quick hug, and scampered after her.

“What are we doing today, Regina?” he asked.

“What would like to do?”

“Can I learn to jump?”

She chuckled. “You’re not quite there yet, Henry,” she replied. “But I am willing to teach you to canter if you can show me an effective trot.”

“I can do that!” Henry chirped. Regina smiled kindly at him. What a difference from the shy reserved boy who took weeks to even say hello. She had been right to teach him to ride - it was really boosting his confidence.

They saddled up two horses, and Regina watched with pride as Henry tightened the tack, checked everything twice, and made sure to stay within the horse’s view as he led them out into the practice ring. They warmed up, and Regina felt a warmth in her heart that she hadn’t felt in a long time as the two of them worked on skills. Henry was absolutely a natural, and it was a joy to watch him learn.

The feeling lasted only a short while, though, before they were interrupted by Emma Swan’s bellowing voice cutting through the mid afternoon calm.

“Just what the hell do you think you’re doing?” 

Regina sighed and brought her horse up to stand at the edge of the ring. She signalled to Henry to keep up his exercises while she dismounted to yet another confrontation with Emma.

“Miss Swan,” she said. “I believe I’m teaching Henry to canter.”

Emma’s face was already red, and while Regina realized Emma had every reason to be angry at her, she didn’t understand why she had chosen this particular thing to blow up about.

“We were supposed to be teaching him together,” Emma shouted. “And I don’t appreciate you just going behind my back instead of talking to me.”

Regina laughed. “Why on earth would I risk yet another fight with you, Miss Swan, when Henry and I could just continue our lessons in peace?”

“Because he’s my son!” Emma shouted.

Regina blinked at her, but before she could process that statement, there was a terrifying screech from behind them, and she whipped around just in time to see Henry fall to the ground as the horse reared and kicked. 

“Henry!” she screamed, and heard Emma do the same.

Regina ran towards him, but the horse continued to rear, and she realized she’d have to calm it first before it was safe to get to the boy. She turned her attention to her horse, speaking calmly, with her hands out, until she got her to settle down enough for Regina to grab the reins and begin to lead her away. Emma darted in as soon as she could, and Regina saw her throw herself to the ground next to Henry. 

“Emma!” she yelled. “Don’t move him! Check his back first.”

She saw Emma’s tear-streaked face turn towards her, and she nodded before bending back over Henry. Regina took stock. The horse was starting to calm down, and she felt safe enough just tying her to the post for now. She tied off the reins as fast as she could, but double checked them before running back over.

“Henry?” she said quietly.

He groaned. Good, that was a good sign that he was making noise.

“Henry, listen to me,” she said firmly, grabbing his ankle. “Can you feel this?”

“Yeah,” he rasped, and immediately winced.

Regina put a hand under his neck. “Does your head hurt?” she asked.

“Yeah,” he whispered this time.

“Alright, I’m going to get you sitting up, and then we’re going to carry you to Granny, OK?”

“OK.”

“Granny?” Emma asked, still clearly crying.

“She’s great with injuries,” Regina said. “Now, I’m going to sit him up, and you help lift him into my arms, alright? After that you’re going to go get his father while I walk him over to Granny.”

Emma nodded, and they carefully, slowly, lifted him up until his head was cradled on Regina’s shoulder and she had the rest of his body held securely against her. She walked slowly but deliberately towards the cookhouse, where Granny usually spent her days. Regina had been through her share of scrapes over the years, and she had nothing but good things to say about the care that Granny had given her. 

“Granny?” she called out as she got closer. “Can you come help with an injury?”

Immediately the older woman hurried out from wherever she’d been. Regina had seen people come to her in a panic, and the first thing she told them was to calm down. Regina had seemed to have internalized that, as she was remarkably calm given the situation.

“What have we here?” Granny asked, wiping her hands on the ubiquitous apron fastened loosely around her waist. 

“Henry fell off his horse,” Regina explained as she set him carefully down on one of the wooden tables. She realized for the first time that he was crying, and immediately all of her calm problem-solving evaporated. Her heart beat faster, and she looked wildly around for something to wipe his eyes with. Thankfully Granny was more prepared, and whipped out a handkerchief, which she gave to Henry with a soft pat on his cheeks.

Regina sat down on a bench next to the table, and reached for Henry’s hand. He squeezed it as Granny poked around his limbs for a moment.

“Alright Henry, my boy,” Granny said, smiling kindly around her crooked teeth. “Everything looks in order from where I sit. What hurts?”

Henry sniffed and tried to answer, but just started crying harder. Regina smoothed his hair out of his eyes as gently as she could.

“He said his head hurt earlier,” she said, hearing her own voice losing power as the possibilities of what could be wrong started to sink in.

“Well, I think I can rustle up some ice for you,” Granny said. “In the meantime, my boy, I need you to be brave. You can still talk?”

“Yes ma’am,” Henry whispered dutifully.

“There now!” Granny boomed. “Good for you. I want you to tell Regina here about all of your favorite acts in the show while I go fetch some ice.”

She winked at Regina as she bustled off into the cookhouse. Regina relaxed. If Granny thought he was really hurt, she’d move him inside or call for a doctor. 

Regina looked back at Henry’s terrified eyes, and called up every ounce of compassion she could. She held tight to his hand, and leaned in close.

“I’ve heard about a lot of the acts from you,” she said, “but there’s one I never get to see. It’s right before me in the show, and it’s the one with the birds.”

“M-Mary Margaret’s act,” Henry sniffed.

“That’s right! I’ve seen her training the birds, but what does she do?”

“She tells … tells a story, about a princess,” Henry said quietly. “And the birds are part of it.”

Regina continued to encourage him to think of more details as Granny came back with a block of ice wrapped in a cloth. They got it on Henry’s head, keeping him talking the whole time, and Regina was pleased to see that he moved and talked just fine, and that he really didn’t look too much the worse for wear. He was probably more scared than hurt, really.

“Henry!” Neal came running in at full speed, with Emma trailing not far behind him. 

“Careful!” Regina said as he skidded to a stop while scooping his son up in his arms.

“Are you alright? Has someone checked him out? Why is he here?”

Granny put a hand on his arm to calm him down. “Neal,” she said firmly. “Your boy is fine. From what I can see, he may have hit his head, but some ice and some rest will have him good as new.”

“He hit his head?” Neal pulled the ice off Henry’s head and began inspecting it. 

“I think I’m OK, Dad,” Henry said quietly.

Neal looked at him as if he just noticed that he was sitting up and talking. He blinked at the boy for a minute, before holding him close again. 

Regina looked away, suddenly aware that she was right in the middle of an intimate family moment, and without quite meaning to she looked right at Emma, who was hovering in the background, her face pale as she watched Henry and Neal intently. She caught Regina’s eye, and that intensity that Regina had first seen in her flared up before turning instantly to fear. Emma’s eyes widened, and without another word, she turned and ran. Regina’s first instinct was to go after her, but she couldn’t bring herself to leave without seeing that Henry was indeed safe.

She turned back to Neal. “Do you want me to help get him back to your berth?” she asked. Neal shook his head and scooped Henry up easily. Regina picked up the ice and handed it Henry. She held his hand for just a moment as she did so.

“Henry,” she said, leaning forward, “I’m so sorry.”

Henry reached out a hand towards her, hesitated for just a moment, and then put his palm against her cheek. “I’m OK, Regina,” he said.

Regina held her breath and nodded. She didn’t trust herself to speak. Every nerve in her body was straining towards that soft, gentle touch. She stood rooted to the spot as Neal gave her a curt nod before turning and carrying his son away. She barely felt the friendly pat on the shoulder that Granny gave her as she retreated back into the kitchen. In a daze, Regina walked back towards the practice ring to make sure her horses got put away properly. Because as shaken as she was, they were still her top priority.

 

***

After stabling the horses again and going to change out of her riding clothes, Regina’s mind had recovered from the shock of the incident enough to begin fixating on what Emma had said to her right before Henry fell. “He’s my son,” she’d said. Regina was currently turning over every interaction she’d seen Emma and Henry have, and had come to the conclusion that if that was indeed the case, Henry didn’t know Emma was his mother. Which was confusing, complicated, and just a little bit crazy. Which, now that Regina thought about it, certainly sounded like Emma Swan.

If this was true, and again Regina wasn’t prepared to just believe it, it did explain why Emma was extremely protective of Henry, and perhaps why she’d wanted to start their little riding school in the first place. If she wanted to spend time with Henry without calling attention to it, having him as part of a group of children certainly made sense. But really, there was only one thing that Regina could possibly do now. And that was find Emma and get some answers.

Emma was, as usual, hard to find. Regina searched all of the places that people tended to gather on off days at the circus. But as she continued to come up empty, she rethought that. Emma had run off on a number of occasions - it stood to reason that she would find places to hide. And Regina knew about hiding. She headed to the far side of the train, where there was a little walkway down to where the animal feed was kept. There was a place you could climb up onto the roof of one of the cars, where the angle of the tent meant you couldn’t be seen. Sure enough, as soon as she mounted that first step, she saw Emma sitting there, her long hair loose and blowing in the breeze. She was hugging her knees to her in a position that Regina immediately recognized as well. Emma was terrified.

Regina cleared her throat, suddenly unsure of what she was going to say. For as much as she thought about this woman, and spent time negotiating around her, she really didn’t know her that well. And the last time they’d had a conversation just the two of them … Regina knew she’d lashed out, and she had no idea how to go about apologizing for that.

“Do you mind if I join you?” she asked, still halfway up the ladder.

Emma shrugged. “Sure.”

Regina climbed up and sat down next to Emma, making sure she was still in the shadow of the tent and away from prying eyes.

“So, you found my favorite hiding place,” Regina said, trying to sound casual.

Emma smiled sadly. “Yeah. I figured I wasn’t the only one to know about it, but so far it’s been empty every time I come up.”

“I hide in my room more often these days,” said Regina, and then closed her eyes. She felt it happening - that pull to confess her darkest secrets, to hear everything about Emma’s hopes and dreams. She really shouldn’t be here. Shouldn’t encourage this. But maybe, just maybe this time wouldn’t turn out like the others? And besides, she really needed to find out what was going on.

“So,” said Regina, but before she could go on, Emma was burying her face in her hands and beginning to sob. Regina sat there for a moment, startled at this display of emotion. But pretty soon her heart won out over her head, and she placed a gentle hand on Emma’s back. She felt Emma take a deep breath, and as Regina traced even circles with her hand, Emma’s breathing gradually returned to normal. Emma wiped her face on her sleeve and sniffed as she finally looked up.

“Sorry,” she whispered. “I … didn’t expect all of this to be so hard. But it is.”

Regina had no idea what to say.

Emma shook her head, looking out at the horizon. “Regina, I don’t know what to expect from you,” she said. “One minute it seems like we’re friends, and the next you’re slamming a door in my face. Now you’re comforting me while I sob like a kid.” She turned back to Regina. “What’s happening here?”

Regina was not expecting this at all, and she immediately felt herself rise into defensiveness. But she caught it before it could take over. 

“I’m not - “ she started, and then tried again. “I’d like to be your friend, Emma. I’m just not very good at it.” Well, that wasn’t quite an apology, but it was headed there, and it was about what Regina could manage at this moment.

Emma held her gaze, and Regina felt whatever resolve she’d had not to let herself fall into that old familiar infatuation disappear. Finally, Emma’s mouth turned up at the corners, and she nodded.

“In that case,” she said, “I need to explain.”

As if waking from a dream, Regina remembered the bomb that Emma had dropped earlier. “Henry is your son?” she asked.

Emma nodded. “He is. But he doesn’t know that.”

Regina waited for her to go on, and when she didn’t, she tried to come up with an appropriate follow-up question. “Why?” was all she could manage.

Emma sniffed again and wiped her nose on her sleeve. “That is a long story,” she said, turning her gaze outwards again. “The short version is that Neal and I grew up together, and everyone always assumed we’d get married. And at some point we started traveling together, and it was easier to just tell people we were married. But we weren’t, and we weren’t ever really in love like that. But, well, we did live like husband and wife, and eventually Henry was born. Neal always wanted to be a father, and I never wanted to be a mother. And I guess at some point he realized that, and told me that I could leave. And … I did.”

Emma stopped talking, and Regina heard the pain under those simple words. There was much, much more to this story, but she wasn’t going to push it. 

“And now you’re here to get to know your son?” Regina asked.

“No!” Emma replied. “That’s what’s so crazy. I didn’t know they were here when I took the job. But now that I’m here, and I’ve seen him…”

“Now you want to be in his life,” Regina supplied.

Emma nodded.

They stayed silent for a while. Regina thought of a million questions, but didn’t voice any of them. Instead she took Emma in - the curve of her back, the obvious strength of her arms, the way she chewed on her bottom lip like she was holding something back. And Regina thought about how Emma was being so vulnerable, so honest with her, and what had Regina done? Slammed a door in her face, and yelled at her when she brought up something painful from her own past. Before she could think twice about it, she reached out a hand and placed it on Emma’s back like she had before.

“I’m sorry I was so rude to you,” she said in a small voice. 

Emma didn’t move, but Regina saw her smile. “Thanks,” she mumbled. “And Regina? Don’t tell anyone, please. I didn’t mean to tell you today. I was just so incredibly jealous and I let it get to me.”

“Jealous?”

“Of how much Henry likes you.”

Regina scoffed. “Do you know why I told you that Henry doesn’t like you?” she said. 

Emma shook her head. 

“Because I was jealous of you. Of how quickly he took to you when it took him weeks to get up the courage to come talk to me.”

Emma laughed at that, and something in Regina’s heart loosened at the sound. They lapsed into silence again, and Regina closed her eyes, focusing on the feeling of Emma’s warmth under her palm. Ironically it had been just an hour before that her body had responded so keenly to Henry’s touch. Knowing that they were mother and son intensified the reaction somehow. 

“Well,” Emma said, breaking Regina out of her reverie. “Now that we’re friends, can I confess something else to you?”

“Sure?” said Regina nervously.

“I hate the food here,” Emma said.

Regina burst into laughter. “You must have been spoiled where you came from. This is the best food around.”

“Really? That’s just sad.”

And with that, they started a real conversation, with barbs about each others’ taste in food, and stories of previous jobs. It was everything Regina had been missing, and she felt her feelings for Emma, whatever they were, start to take root deep inside her.


End file.
